My name is Erika and I am a 27 year old YouTuber from central Florida. I currently live in Georgia where my husband and I are stationed with our two babies (our dogs).
When my husband returned home last fall from a year long deployment, I was eager to begin to try to grow our family. In January 2018, we began actively trying to conceive our first baby. I started my YouTube channel where I documented our TTC journey. After seven months of negative pregnancy tests and disappointment, it finally happened- two pink lines!! I cried tears of joy; it was the happiest moment of my life! We were so excited that we announced right away and rejoiced in the news with our family and friends. This baby was immediately loved by so many.
I continued to make videos and document every part of my pregnancy, from us finding out and telling our family, to every symptom I was experiencing week by week. Once I was nine weeks pregnant, it was time for our first prenatal appointment and we would finally get to see our baby.
When we got to the doctor's office, we were nothing but excited. I had such strong pregnancy symptoms so I was sure everything was fine. I even had a small bump! The midwife started the ultrasound and I was giddy as I patiently waited to hear that beautiful sound of a fast beating heart. Then our life changed forever, but not the way we hoped. Our sweet baby was measuring perfectly on track, but unfortunately he or she did not have a heartbeat.
We were shocked and devastated. How could this be? Why us? Why MY baby? All I ever wanted was to be a mom. It wasn't fair...
The next five days were very difficult. My husband and I cried more than we ever have, and mourned together. I don't know what I would have done without him next to me. He knew exactly what to say and do to comfort me. He had the idea to name our baby. We chose the name Emerson because it is gender neutral and means brave and powerful. My husband said the meaning reminded him of our love for each other as we get through this difficult time together. We also ordered a memory box to keep our ultrasound picture and other items that we attributed to my pregnancy inside. And I ordered a beautiful memorial necklace that I wear every day. Little things like this helped with the grieving process.
I decided a D&C was the best option for me. It was scheduled for the following week. That was an extremely emotional experience. Before the surgery, I held my stomach and cried.
Even though I knew Emerson's soul was already in Heaven, he/she was still inside of me, and I did not want to let go. My husband kissed me with tears in his eyes, and they rolled me to the operating room.
The physical recovery was uncomfortable, but the emotional recovery was even harder. I don't think you ever completely heal from a loss like that. I struggled through emotional breakdowns and bursts of anger. But my husband, family, and friends really helped raise my spirits as the weeks continued on.
I took a short break from making YouTube videos, but I knew I wanted to make one on my miscarriage story. The video is raw and emotional but my hope is that it will help others who have been affected by pregnancy loss by letting them know they are not alone.
We are hopeful that God will bless us with a rainbow baby soon as we begin another TTC journey. Our faith in Him got us through this devastating time, but we know He has a plan for us. Our sweet Emerson was too beautiful for Earth, and we are lucky to have such a special guardian angel.
After going through my miscarriage, I felt drawn to help other women who have experienced the same heartbreak. I recently became involved in a nonprofit called Our Hearts Align. It is an amazing source of support and resources for families affected by pregnancy loss. Their website is https://www.ourheartsalign.org/
Erika can be found in Instagram at erkia.ann.91
Our Hearts Align can also be found on Instagram at ourheartsalign
Comments